MUSIC REVIEW: Bright Eyes

"FEVERS AND MIRRORS"

Released: May 30, 2000

Label: Saddle Creek

Carolyn: We have to do a Bright Eyes review. Let's have a candid conversation, the three of us, right now.

Laura: Yeah, I'm really liking the cheese I'm hearing. I kind of like this song. Except for when it gets to the chorus. That's when he goes for the fucking baked brie with caramelized onions and pears and shit.

C: Ok. What album do we wanna review?

Alicia: It's gotta be something we all know very well. Brainstorm for 30 seconds.

C: I'm not familiar...

L: You dork.

A: Can we have parenthetical stage directions, like, "all three assume pensive expressions"?

C: Ok.

[Alicia points out a girl in the Retreat who is talking to herself. Carolyn and Laura stare.]

A: I might be getting fro yo in, like, two seconds.

L: Go get your fro yo, and then we'll do it.

[Alicia leaves and eventually comes back.]

A: I used to listen to "Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh" over and over again in high school in study hall, thinking about how much my life sucked and how I hated everything, and I would wonder why, if I was better than everyone else, I had no friends.

L: This is pretty fucking postmodern album art...It sounds like he's fucking sitting on the toilet looking at his fingernails and crying.

A: I wonder if he ever listens to the album on playback and asks the producer to put in more angst.

L: No. He probably listens to the playback and beats off.

C: This is totally alienating the readers. Also, I'm having trouble saying anything witty while I'm typing.

A: You can edit yourself in later.

L: On the subj of alienating the reader, when I was writing my travel story about Steak n Shake, I probably alienated the state of Minnesota.

[Conor Oberst, singing: "And I hang like a star, fucking glow in the dark, for all the starving eyes to see"]

C: By the way, back in high school, my friend had these lyrics in her AIM profile.

L: Omg. Put that in.

A: Didn't everyone? I mean, he has pretty good one-liners.

L: Come on. You guys are over it now, right? Right?

[Silence.]

A: Over what?

L: Cutting yourselves.

A: You mean my undying love for Conor Oberst and my strong conviction that despite all odds we will one day marry?

L: I think I passed the Bright Eyes threshold. I'm too old now.

C: Yeah, it's like Perks of Being a Wallflower.

L: ...Even though I'm at the embracing cheese level, I can't even...

MUSIC REVIEW: Beach House

"DEVOTION"

Released: February 26, 2008

Label: Carpark Records

Carolyn: Let's have a candid discussion right now about Beach House's "Devotion."

Laura: I haven't listened to it that much, but I don't really like it. I know that's probably the wrong answer according to Pitchfork. What do you think, Carolyn?

C: Hold on a second.

L: How candid can it be if you're typing it as we're speaking? Write that down. Have me say "write that down"!

C: IT'S SO META.

L: Back to the real topic. What do you actually think?

C: I think... OK. Well. I like the band...

L: They're from Vassar, you know.

C: Yeah, I know.

Sanger: They went to Vassar?

L: Yeah. She was a drama student.

S: Ew.

C: Ok. I like the band, but I didn't like the album.

L: Why?

C: Every song sounded the same.

L: I concur.

C: This review will probably alienate some of our readers.

L: I kind of liked that about the last album. I listened to it a lot on the Metro North. It was nice to listen to it and look at the river. That one song was so good.

C: Alright, let's wrap up this conversaysh.

L: That's a good enough ending for me.

C: ...By the way, Zach loved it.

L: For realz? He would.

MUSIC REVIEW: The Fray

"HOW TO SAVE A LIFE"

Released: September 13, 2005

Label: Sony

Carolyn: Which song to do you like better, "Cable Car" or "How to Save a Life"?

Byron: They're essentially the same song.

C: Yeah, I know.

B: I guess I like "How to Save a Life" better. It's their best song. They'll never write a better song, which is sad because it sucks.

Carolyn: How is my review so far?

Laura: Good, but you could hate on The Fray in more detail.

C: What do you think about The Fray?

L: It makes me want to, like, eat a Warm Delight and look at myself in the mirror and cry. That's probably what their target demographic does. I dunno. Maybe that's too mean. maybe I'm just afraid of my feelings.

Jessie: What do you think of The Fray?

Carolyn: What can I say, really? They are to music what Dan Brown is to literature. That's not a very creative or particularly funny analogy. I dunno. They're just a drop in the bucket of bad music these days.

J: Yeah. Just another jetski on top of an endangered manatee.